Sister Wolf Reviews: Academy Awards 2019. Lap it up or Spit it out

If you missed the Awards show this year, I am here to fill you in on what matters. Trust me, I've been doing this for years on my own website. Feel free to disagree with anything I say, but you'll be wrong.

Okay, so we didn't have a host thanks to Kevin Hart's refusal to apologize profusely enough for homophobic remarks. Thank you Kevin! The no-host Oscars was a major improvement, like when they eliminated the dance numbers.

Cutting straight to what we really care about, let's talk about fashion. The clothes are what we watch the show for, and some years are more noteworthy than others. If it were not for Billy Porter, this year would rate a hearty Meh. But Billy Porter made the difference, easily winning the Best Dressed category by a landslide. What a dress he wore! A sweeping velvet gown that was Tuxedo on top and Scarlett O'Hara on the bottom. I asked a man sitting next to me on my couch if he would wear that dress, and he answered courageously, "I would wear it at home, but not out." Bravo to him but more bravo to Billy Porter. No one puts Billy Porter in a corner, goddammit.

Academy Awards 2019: Lap it up or Spit it out

Next best dressed was Rachel Weitz, wearing a candy-apple red ensemble with a latex top and matching lace-and-tulle skirt by Givenchy. She added a counter-intuitive headband, which brought a touch of Little Red Riding Hood to the dominatrix vibe. Apparently, women went nuts on social media, begging Weitz to both spit in their mouths (I know!) and run them over in a truck. The former wish is a reference to a scene in her film Disobedient, and the latter is a "stan" thing that is beyond my scope of understanding. But it's a thing, okay?

Third place in Best Dressed goes to Constance Wu, for an eye-searing yellow Versace dress that I will call marigold unless you can think of a better word. Others wore yellow but not like this. Stunning and perfect, especially with her skin and hair.

Academy Awards 2019: Lap it up or Spit it out

There were a lot of ruffled dresses in bold red and fuchsia, but most of them were a little tragic. Most tragic was some country singer whose name I forget, wearing a pink frou-frou thing that would look stupid on anyone over six years old, EXCEPT of course for Rihanna, whom she was totally not. Glenn Close wore a gold lame caped gown that was visible from space, clearly planning to win a matching gold Oscar. I didn't feel sorry for Glenn, she's had a great year, but I would have given a kidney for Yalitza Aparicio, the star of Roma to win best actress. Every time I see her open, innocent face, I want to hug her and be her mother. She wore Rodarte.

Academy Awards 2019: Lap it up or Spit it out

The Gaga moment was the most dreaded of the evening, in my house at least. We all felt confident that she would be snubbed for best actress, but we were forced to suck it up when she won for best song. The melodramatic crying and almost accusatory “I’VE WORKED HARD!" were just what we didn't want, but her performance of the song with "Bradley" was hard to top for sheer fakery and cheesiness. Was the movie worse? I'm asking because I didn't see it, and would never even consider seeing it for less than $600.

Spike Lee wore a purple suit in a tribute to Prince, and he provoked a bitchy tweet from President Trump, so that's a win right there. Regina King cried real tears when she accepted her award, and the camera found Rachel Weitz crying too, either with empathy or heartbreak at not winning. Alfonso Cuarón accepted his awards with unfailing graciousness and charm, and he should have won for Best Picture, too, but oh well, you can't have everything.

Bohemian Rhapsody won a shitload of awards, despite all the contemptuous reviews. Why? Did they think they were voting for Freddy Mercury? I would vote for Freddy any day, if asked. I'd rather watch footage of him than a guy pretending to be him, and we must all brace ourselves for a new movie about Elton John, starring a young guy with a nice gap between his teeth.

What else? Olivia Coleman was adorable as always, J Lo was superfluous-but-annoying as usual, and Charlize looked hot af in a clinging, backless Dior gown. The most glorious and surprising moment? That was the end, when the cameras lingered on the scattered stars, looking at their cellphones with tense expressions, just like normal people, only better looking